He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
