I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
