i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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