I will die if light touches me.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
