Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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