I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
