Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
