Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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