Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
