The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
