Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
