Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
