9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
