Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
