That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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