I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
