just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
