hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
