dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
