I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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