Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Randomize
