Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
