why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
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