when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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