I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
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