i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
