i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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