I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Randomize
