GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
