life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
