just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Randomize
