Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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