The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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