i'm watching degrassi (go figure) and the episode is about jimmy not being able to get a boner and now he's famous and rapping about popping pussies..i dont get it.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
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You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
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So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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