Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
