Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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