Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
