i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Randomize
