sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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