I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
