I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
My pussy is not your playground.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
