peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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