I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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