grandma shit on top of the toilet
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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