no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
