she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
