If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
21 Horny People Confess Their Boldest Sexual Advances
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
29 Shocking Confessions That People Thought Were A Joke
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.