i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
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