I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power