Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
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Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
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google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.