it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
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