its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
