I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
