cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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