I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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