ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
