So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
