id be glad to
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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