we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize