I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
