Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
