We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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